The Unknown and the Unknowable
Erica loves me.
I don't understand why but she does. It's mind-blowing and sometimes overwhelming to think that this wonderful, beautiful woman wants to be with me. See she's amazing. As I said, she's beautiful, with golden hair and a smile that lights up my world and melts my heart. She incredibly intelligent and one of the most capable people I've ever known. I have absolutely no doubt that she can do anything and everything she puts her mind to and do it well. And she cares. About causes, issues, and people, she cares deeply and passionately. And these only scratch [……]Continue reading →
...and then I went and proved it
I barricaded myself and stared out the window, without seeing anything but my own unhappiness.
— Thomas Bernhard
I guess I was right. I didn't want to be and I hate myself for it but I don't know how to let myself be happy anymore.
Erica and I had been taking steps to rebuild our relationship in recent weeks and things were going seemingly okay. And then we had a fight – already a difficult thing to do effectively over such a distance – and for a couple of days we went round and round in a big jumbled mess of misunderstanding each [……]Continue reading →
Turn and Face the Strange
Life improves slowly and goes wrong fast, and only catastrophe is clearly visible.
— Edward Teller
The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.
— Willie Tyler
It's an awful thing to come face to face with the fact that your worst fears about yourself just might be true. That things you've tried to outrun and fight against turn out to be a lot faster and a lot stronger than you were prepared for. I've said before that, other than in college, I have never felt like I fit in much of [……]Continue reading →
What a Difference a Day Makes
Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain
— Stanley Adams
Okay. To be fair, the full difference wasn't made in just twenty-four little hours but I really like the song and it speaks to the larger point. It's remarkable how your entire perspective can change in a very short time due to one thing.
A year ago — six month ago, even — I felt like I was just going through the motions of life. I was stable and functional. I wasn't in a particular depressed funk for the most part. But I just didn't [……]Continue reading →
Kiss From A Rose
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
— H. L. Mencken
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
— Rabbi Julius Gordon
All things are difficult before they are easy.
— Dr. Thomas Fuller
In early September, Erica and I decided that we'd like to meet in person. For various reasons, however, the first feasible date was not going to be until the middle of October. That started what may very well have been the longest forty-four days of my life. That time, though, gave us more time to get to [……]Continue reading →
Being thankful for suffering
I recently listened to a podcast and the interviewee was talking about one of his early mentors who was a doctor working with leprosy patients in India. He commented on how leprosy, the oldest recorded disease, is also one of the most feared because it robs the body of pain. Those patients lack the body's basic alarm system that tells them not to touch something hot or, even worse, that tiny impulse that makes them involuntarily blink every few seconds. Without that, their eyes dry out and millions of leprosy patients go blind because of it. The doctor said that [……]Continue reading →
Everything's coming up roses
You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.
— Paulo Coelho
Sometimes the most scenic roads in life are the detours you didn't mean to take.
— Angela N. Blount - "Once Upon an Ever After"
But maybe someday, my weird will be somebody else's perfect. And it will be absolutely amazing!
— phydeaux - "The Pursuit of Happiness"
A lot of the time, life is kind of predictable and gives you exactly what you expect. Sometimes…… not so much.
Occasionally, you're just walking along, minding your own business, and notice something out of [……]Continue reading →
Back to the Shadows
Take all the time you need to heal emotionally.
Moving on doesn’t take a day, it takes lots of little
steps to be able to break free of your broken self.
— Tere Arigo
No matter how bad you want a person, if your hearts are
in two different places, you’ll have to pass and move on.
— Alexandra Elle
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.
— Lao Tzu
This post has been a long time in coming mainly, I think, because [……]Continue reading →
Obligatory New Year's Post
"Since it's traditional to break my New Year's resolutions, I think this year I'll try for being fat and lazy and see what happens."
"I can't believe it's been a whole year since I didn't become a better person."
"My New Year's resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes."
I don't do resolutions. At least, I don't do them well. Never have and likely never will. When I was younger I used to make resolutions as more of a gag. Like "eat more chocolate". Back then I still had a metabolism that could meet that challenge head on and [……]Continue reading →
Meh. -rry Christmas
I almost wish there weren't a holiday season.
I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to
have a holiday season to emphasize it?
— Charlie Brown
Well, it looks like my annual holiday depression has arrived and this year it's kind of a doozy. For the past few days, I've been struggling to mentally keep my head above water. My standard joking line over the past few years has been, "Buy one divorce, get a depression free." Sadly, all good humor is rooted in truth and there have been times when it has been difficult to wake up and [……]Continue reading →