Where's My Head?

Mom always said I'd lose it...

A quick update on stuff. And stuff.

Life

February 28, 2017

In 1998, I started a blog, something I could control very easily and update at my own whim.
Jami Attenberg

Hello, gentle readers. I know, I know. It's been too long. I've actually had a post brewing in my brain for a few weeks now and I've started writing it three times but I always seem to get distracted or veer off track of where I wanted to go with it. I'll get it done soon but, in the meantime, here are some general life updates.

  • The health is pretty good. My only issues right now have nothing to do with the cancer but rather something totally unrelated. The technical term for it is "getting older than freakin' dirt." Don't laugh. I know for a fact that some of you reading this are older than I am so… Anyway, I've buggered up my shoulder somehow and it hurts. Like, a lot. I went to see the orthopod who threw me to the wolves — that is, the feral pack of physical therapists in the next building who eat unsuspecting programmers for breakfast — for a few weeks.

  • OK, in all fairness, my therapist is really nice and encouraging. But the exercises she has me doing really hurt. Like, a lot. I know it's for the greater good but that's not always easy to focus on when you have to inflict brain-numbing pain on yourself twice a day just to maintain 60 or so percent of your usual range of motion. In short, it sucks.

  • If that doesn't work, the next step is an MRI. My fear is that Dr. Orthodude will say that surgery is necessary which I really want to avoid. Not that I don't trust him. This is the same guy who bolted my arm back together after a horse decided to run back toward the barn and went under a branch without much regard as to whether I would fit or not. But, given the past year of my life, I really don't relish the thought of spending any more time in, around, near, or even in the same county as a hospital. More as it develops.

  • Did I mention that it hurts? Like, a lot? Because it does.

  • Next topic. Someone — [ahem…cough…Len…cough] — recommended me for a job in Florida. I decided not to follow-up on this particular one for a lot of various and sundry reasons but there may be another opportunity in the not-too-distant future. We'll see.

  • But, in the course of talking about it, I think I got totally friend-zoned. She said something about how nice it would be to work with her best friend. Don't get me wrong. I am and will always be her friend but I maintain my cock-eyed optimism that our friendship could be the root of something more. And I don't really know if that's what she means as well or if this is her gentle way of saying, "Um, yeah. Not gonna happen." I need to stop (over)thinking about it. (Yeesh - why on earth do I put this stuff on the internet?!?)

  • Side note: The older I get, the more I appreciate direct — maybe even brutal — honesty. I don't handle vaguery and nuance very well and I'm not always great at picking up on subtle hints. If you want me to know something, I'd much rather you just come out and tell me in no uncertain terms. I'm a big boy. I can take it. Any ambiguity only leaves room for misunderstanding or misinterpretation which, although they provide the plot for many an episode of "Three's Company", rarely play out well in the real world. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Boom. Done.

  • Anyway, I can't let my feelings for Len drive any decision on that job but I also can't disregard them either. After all, I wouldn't just be changing jobs. I'd be changing my whole life and the threshhold for that is much higher. You know, part of me wants to go all in and pursue her (figuratively - I'm not a creeper) with all I have. After all, faint heart ne'er won fair lady, right? Or, in the immortal words of that great philosopher, Guy Fieri, "Go big or go home." But I also have to be sensitive to where she's at in her life and I'm not sure she wants that right now. I just wish I had some clarity on it all. Or on anything, really. :-)

  • In any case, I need to talk to my oncology team about what implications it would have on my ongoing monitoring if I were to move away. I'm sure I can't be the first person to relocate during this period but I need to find out how we would handle that if the situation arises.

  • And as if that situation isn't muddy enough, after a long period of being quite dissatisfied with my job, it has actually begun taking a turn for the better in the last couple weeks. See, most of my job has gone away — or at the very least, is going away — out from under me and I don't really feel like I have much of a purpose these days. And the one well-defined duty that I do still have is the one that I don't want. It's not what I was hired to do. But I've been able to begin a decent-sized and nicely challenging project that will actually have tangible results. I should be able to learn a lot in the process and it will allow me to finally retire some old software that really needs to die a painful death. (But I'm not passionate about that or anything…) I still don't know what my long-term job description looks like but it's more promising than it was a month ago.

OK - That oughta hold you for a while. I'll keep working on the other post and get it rolled out pretty soon. It will still be relevant, believe me.

Peace out, peoples.