Where's My Head?

Mom always said I'd lose it...

Clear the Air

Love Poetry

July 22, 2015

I wrote this at a time when I was very confused about where I stood with Len, when the complications of our respective lives just seemed to be compounding one upon the other and I desperately wanted some flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. It was intended to be in a sort of poetry slam style and would probably be better heard aloud than read but here it is anyway.

Clear the Air

We need to talk
because
I need to
clear the air.

You see, I'm finding it
hard to breathe
these days;
there's so many ways
this can go wrong.
I feel like I don't belong here.
Like I'm not allowed to
be in love
with you
but, oh,
I do so
want to.

But --
what do you want?
That is the question
and the great unknown.
In your heart and mind
when you're alone
do you want to find
me
waiting for you?

So many
conflicting thoughts abound.
I turn them
around and around
in my head,
pretending that
I can form some coherent thread.
Acting like there's something there
but running headlong
into a vast expanse of...
...nothing.

Yes, I'm finding it hard to breathe,
like I'm going to smother
And I don't know if I
can continue to cope
like this.
You see,
while the air you breathe
is mostly made of nitrogen
with some oxygen and
traces of others,
mine is mainly confusion
mixed with frustration
and just a little bit of hope.

Hope that my "what if"
might someday
become my reality.
That I might someday
be able to
inhale the same
crisp, clean atmosphere
that you inhabit.
To fill my lungs
with that fresh sweetness.
And to find
that you
want me to find
you
waiting for me too.

But if that hasn't crossed your mind,
if that's not even hidden somewhere
in the backwaters of your imagination
however remotely so,
then I should go.
Because there's just no
telling how much
longer I'll survive
in the smog of I Don't Know.

I'm finding it hard to breathe.
So
we need to talk
because,
one way or another,
I need to
clear the air.